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  • Team Awesome

    Posted on August 24th, 2012 Cibo No comments

    OK, well life got busy for a bit and now that I finally have a real full-time job, I have some more free time. I honestly think my company is retarded for how little work I’m being given since I spend maybe 1 week a month working but that’s another post. I will say the past few years have been interesting and will probably continue to be so since if I’m bored, I would peace out. Anyway, I’m going to go through a couple years of stuff but not in one post because it would be too big and I wouldn’t get the chance to really add my awesome (retarded?) perspective on the events.

    216_4_007

    We ride battleships instead of horses.


    Picking up where we last left off, my new team only had one project, put a business plan for the bplan competition together, and a subset of the first objective, not kill each other.

    I really liked this team. They were all assholes, every one of them, even the girls. They all were cocky mother fuckers who actually did know better than anyone else, they were loud, and they were aggressive as fuck. Whenever we started a meeting it always started with “Hey you loud cunts, shut the fuck up so we can get started .”

    The team was made up of an interesting group for people from the Duke of XBOX, BROMA, Honkey Brit Jew, “let me finish, let me finish…” Slow Ass Speaking Girl, girl who is probably the daughter of one of the finance minsters of a PIGGS country, her more girlish boyfriend with a foot fetish, and the fucking poorest and the LEAST asshole of the group, moi.

    Meetings were quite a hoot. Because everyone thought they knew more than the next person, and were loud as fuck, everyone spoke over each other. All meetings eventually became a shouting competition which had the possibility of escalating to a death match. I expected the girls to shank someone first.

    koreWaZom200275-650x365

    Seriously, bskool chicks do look like that.

    Now, we tried to make this more collegial and instituted a “speaking stick policy” to create more order and harmony. That didn’t last long. The team couldn’t handle the fact they had to wait for some other fucker to speak while they had to shut their trap, let alone, listen. So about 2mins into this exercise in futility, they started actually wrestling each other for the half-filed water bottle used as the stick. When it became clear that the non-stick holders couldn’t steal the water bottle away, they just went back to talking over each other again.

    But let me tell you though, being intelligent, logical, analytical and all those HR filler words on job descriptions, does not mean you are creative. Nothing is more sad than watching non-creative people trying to come up with ideas. It’s like a fat person walking up the stairs with all the loud heaving, bitching, and lack of tangible progression. This meant, that any idea I came up with, even if it was crappy, was latched on to just so we had something.

    With the all patience of an ADD child who was shot full of a skittles, red bull, and coke cocktail mix, this non-creative force of douches wanted any idea to run with. If it sounded half-way decent, “alright let’s get stated!” But, it didn’t help that the main supplier of ideas, moi, would disagree with himself as he thought out loud. So, much like a game of Red Light, Green Light, they kept intermittingly heading for the door as I argued with myself. Eventually, we settled on an idea – just before someone would have thrown the half-filled speaking stick at me.

    The work was well done for the most part. I still took on the role of strategist/advisor as I usually do. The part of annoying yelling at everyone like 4 year olds to finish their fucking work, guy was delegated to the biggest asshole of the group, who was a bigger dick than BOMA, the Duke of Xbox. And by the way, if you told him that, he would smile proudly.

    Unfortunately, true to the end, when we went to present our business plan, we argued with each other in front of the judges and didn’t listen to what anyone else had to say; even the judges, who weren’t that smart actually. Frankly, I wouldn’t have it end any other way.

    Needless to say, we didn’t win. While that part wasn’t surprising, the competition did conclude distastefully. What ended up happening was one of the other teams had a huge cheating cunt who’s dad called up the school saying he wanted to invest in their plan. The team then kicked all the other classmates out of the auditorium when presenting to the judges due to their plan containing “intellectual property”. Before being kicked out, we did have a chance to hear the judges say how much they liked the working “prototype”. That sounds impressive, until you see it was a shitty puppet head on top of a scooter. I and everyone else in the class was shocked and pissed with the outcome.

    image

    That’s exactly how it looked.

    I learned 3 things that day:

    1) Everyone hates a lying cunt. Afterwards, no one wanted to have anything to deal with this guy, which is a huge fucking waste for b-school since 1/3rd of what you get out of b-school is connections. (The other 2/3rd’s is liver disease from drinking)

    2) Business people are easily manipulated with shiny things and big words. (WHICH IS STILL FUCKING TRUE IN MY CURRENT WORK!)

    3) My team was too awesome to be judged right.

    Last I heard, they’re all doing well with them getting into some pretty good companies where they can actualize on the full extent of their assholeness. This, my friends, is what HR scum mean when they say a “cultural fit”.

    Damn, I’m nostalgic thinking about that team.

    nostologic

    ~Cibo

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