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  • LDP, barely a party but complete failures none the less.

    Posted on September 2nd, 2009 Cibo No comments

    Pull up a seat kiddos and stab yourself in the face, it’s semi-educational time. Japan’s Liberal Democratic Party just had its shit kicked in last Sunday. Overlooking the fact the LDP was neither liberal, democratic, nor a party, as my professor loved to reiterate, this will be the first time in like 50 years the LDP has lost power. Baring the 6 month hiatus, which ended up like my trip to Hawaii for Spring Break. In that, the opposition parties, much like the 3 guys with 6 bitchy cunts more concerned with arguing than having fun, got nothing done. To the point that the socialist party just said “Fuck it, we’re going to eat at the fucking Korean BBQ restaurant ourselves bitches.” This resulted in the Socialists defecting and putting the LDP back in power. The LDP then proceeded to rape all the parties involved like a man who got out of jail after sucking dick for 20 years.

    pedo_bear

    That’ll hold him, FOR NOW

    It is a momentous occasion for the Democratic Party of Japan. But, let me assure you, the triumph at hand has nothing to do with merits that the DPJ possess. It’s more like how pain does it take before you stop punching yourself in the nuts? Apparently, a lot by Japanese standards.

    Over the last 3-4 years, the LDP has been losing ground in the polls. After Koizumi, who for all intensive purposes was much too awesome for Japan due to its electorate being comprised of conservative and conservative-ER, a void has been left in the LDP. In his wake of an election that made the DPJ look like morons who snorted glue chased with paint-thinner milk shakes, and was probably the most interesting non-corrupt election ever, putting it barely above shit on the Disney channel, the LDP lately has been fighting over the prime minister seat like the last hooker in Amsterdam on Friday night with the British in town.

    Orly_verbose

    Old chum, I acknowledge your judicious grasp of the situation with a resounding assertion in your favor.

    I actually met a niece of one of the disposable prime ministers in my Japanese politics class. She was nice, a little haughty. I think she might be a little more modest now that her uncle had a panic attack like a pussy due to being was way over his head for the job and all. But, whatever, at least I got to practice my Japanese.

    Anyway, the oppositional parties have failed for the last 50 years. When the DPJ was created 5-6 years ago, the DPJ had collected a lot of talent from LDP defectors and remnants of past parties, and then it picked up where the other parties had left off. Failing. Repeatedly. If not for the fact the LDP was so bad in office over the last 3-4 years, the economy imploding, running several retarded prime ministers, and just being incapable of doing anything right, they would still be in power. The Economist made mention that the DPJ are perhaps “questionable leaders”. In Britianese, that means you are fucking failures that need to die of AIDS.

    Credit must also be given to the voting reform that took place back in 1993 during that 6 month break I mentioned in the intro. If not for the change in voting, the SNTV (Single non-transferable vote) would have continued its reign of pedobearESQ molestation of parties. The only reason the LDP stuck together for so long was due to the lovely candy coated cream filling budget monies which was used to smooth over differences between fractions. This, however, has led to Japan being in debt by 170% of GDP and one of the world leaders in public spending that will never show an economic gain; along with a fuck load of bridges.

    So why should you give a damn about the DPJ? Well, we no longer have the manga loving LDP prime minister who wanted to boost the Japanese economy by exporting more anime and making Akihabara a special economic district. Frankly, it’s not a bad idea since Japanese animation constitutes around 68-70% of total animation made. (If anyone wants exact #’s, I think they’re on the Japanese export website). Nonetheless, much like how the US would view Obama if he said, “COME ON GUIS! Let’s sell comic books to end the recession!”, the idea hasn’t caught on with the Japanese workers who prefer their line of work to grind their souls into the pavement, (e.g. everyone except the nerds). And he just doesn’t like poor people.

    aso-bulgarian-sumo-l2305389

    NO HOMO BROS

    So, with the new party’s experience questionable, and having to come into power with a situation facing dire social-economic turmoil; full of issues such as population decline and continued economic recession, Cibo being the noble soul he is, has decided to add his two pence.

    Economic

    Clean up the fucking domestic services. Unlike Japan’s amazing export firms, which are what people think of when they think of Japan’s economy, their domestic service firms blow. They are inefficiently run and the level of protectionism by the government perpetuates the problem. You think the Wall Street guys are coddled? You haven’t fucking seen a decade plus of loss making companies getting loans they will never pay back. It’s like all those girls who get the shit beat out of them by their husband but then they keep coming back expecting that things will be different because LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER. That and the 0% interest loans erode all the savings of the dumbasses who tried saving their money. Oh and cut down on the bloated civil service too.

    Population decline

    This is very simple:

    MOAR SEX -> MOAR BABIES

    Our problem here in lies with how do we get the Japanese androgynous she-male laid more? Though some might argue that the lack of sex may be due to the lack of marriage owing to unnecessarily high expectations of their partners, I however stand in disagreement. I will acknowledge the unreasonably high expectations have changed the game, LA is proof of that, but the poor Japanese male hasn’t updated his playbook. Taking a play out of the UC-Douchbag’s game plan, you must lie about everything and anything.

    Think of all the dudes that pretend they’re studio heads or some other big shot exec showing up to parties. We’re like the only goddamn city in the world that has people sleeping in their cars because they spent all their money on leasing a Mercedes or BMW. In fact, there are dudes who have played the douchebag boyfriend role with such flawlessness, some have gone on to never work a job, live at their chick’s house, and have her buy him shit, all whilst fucking other girls on the side. Thus, winning himself a “Douchey”.

    douchebag

    Man, I should be working on killing brain cells to get chicks. Oh wait….

    So Mr. Prime minister, set up a government sponsored training program to get the Japanese men BACK TO WORK sticking it. Of course, you could also change the demand side by telling the spoiled bitches to quit being stupid but I think my way is more workable. That or just subsidize the hell out of babies, making it profitable to pump out kids.

    Foreign policy

    The DPJ says they want a different relationship with America. Much like my shared desire to have a different one, I question the DPJ’s ability to pursue that goal. Japan’s gig during the Cold War was, “Hey, you want us to do what? Ok, how much? Right, it’s in the mail MAI LORDDO”. I understand the desire of having a more independent foreign policy, and Japan has every right to do it, but the US has shown in the 60’s with France and Germany that the US doesn’t have to help either. Think of it as the myspace/failspace teenagers who proclaim their freedom and independence to do whatever they want while at the same time living at home and wanting free shit from their parents.

    That aside, I do agree with the notion of having Japan act more on the international stage since I believe it can be mutual beneficial to both the US and Japan. 1) If Japan can form a regional organization or coalition that contains and/or incorporates China and/or Russia, the US would not need to be as active maintaining stability and balancing differences in power within Asia. Thus, freeing up resources so the US can blow up new countries. 2) It isn’t in the US’s interest to have Japan, Korea and China constantly bitching at each other when the US has trade/diplomatic relations with all of them, it’s like a dude stuck in the middle of group of chicks fighting when the dude just wants to go to the fucking movie. 3) Being more active internationally may help Japan’s reputation in the world community and maybe make Japan less insular and more willing to listen to people who tell them to quit eating the fucking whales and over fishing the waters.

    Now, being the pragmatic dude that I am, I believe if Japan is taking on more responsibility by helping better the world versus doing stuff beyond influencing stupid weebos and creating the world’s supply of cartoon CP, Japan should have a real military. The US has been trying to get Japan to overturn article 2 of its constitution forever, and US wrote that shit. MY BAD GUIS. Now, even though Japan has been crapping on the literal definition of the constitution forever, by I don’t know, making a fucking army, they’ve been pussies about sending them abroad. For instance, the UN peace keeping debates for East Timor.

    In the aftermath of looking dickless during the Gulf war, Japan was more or less strong armed into sending troops to East Timor. The government was debating on what type of guns the troops should carry so as not to be perceived as an invading force. They decided on a pistol since much like the cops in the US going against any well armed hick, it’s useless. The really insane part was when they were bickering about how many bullets the soldiers should have. I think it ended up around 3-5. By whatever (retard) logic the politicians used, they argued that all the troops needed were a couple shots to give them time to run like a bitch.

    See this is fucking why Japan’s military keeps going apeshit and kicking the crap out of other countries; the army is treated like ass. The goddamn military is commanded by Shinji, who’s claim to fame is being a big pussy. Congrats, this is why the Ministry of Defense is the lulz job like Hillary in Africa.

    The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
    Hillary in the Congo
    www.thedailyshow.com
    Daily Show
    Full Episodes
    Political Humor Healthcare Protests

    In closing,

    I hope the DPJ does a good job. While I certainly have doubts about their ability, I do believe that governments should change their ruling parties every once in a while to clear out all the corruption that takes place. Get rid of some of the bought legislation that accumulates over the years. And perhaps pass a bill or two without having it be tied to a special interest group. Of course, the process will end up with the inevitable result of party corruption since the system requires people to do unsavory things to stay in power, but much like new pigs to a trough, we have to switch them out eventually.

    • Other news:
      I downloaded R because scritty fails at getting me a free copy of Spss. It uses C scripts so that’s cool for me. Bless you, you communist GNU programmers. I’ll never pay you a dime but I thank you for your effort.
    • I picked up the New Batman for the Failbox, haven’t played it yet but looks awesome.

    ~Cibo Msc in training

    3d

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