4chan wins and the cancer spreads

I’m about a week or so late on this but I think it’s still worth mentioning. 4chan’s moot was voted Time’s most influential person of the year. While that alone is startling enough, I think it’s of even greater significance to tell the tale of how the Warriors of moot brought forth the Lulpocalypse.

“My life for 4chan”

Now, anyone who knows a thing or two about the internet ghetto knows about 4chan. So, when I was at Borders buying my weekly copies of manga, which just happened to be Suzumiya Haruhi btw, I briefly saw a cover with the 4chan girl. I really didn’t pay too much attention, I figured they probably just caused another terror alert or something again.

However, yesterday I was reading random things on the net, as I’m prone to do, and I came across an article explaining how 4chan users not only stuffed the ballot box to put moot number 1, but also fixed the ranks of the next 20 spots afterwards to spell out “mARBLECAKE ALSO THE GAME”. Marble cake refers to the IRC channel that trolled Scientology, and “THE GAME”, well, you just lost it.

Now stuffing the ballot box with autovoting scripts is a well-established tradition of 4chan. With such favorites as  making Rick Ashley the winner MTV’s 2008 “Best Act Ever” award and Rickrolling the Mets . 

Those were all quite lulzy, I think this one tops them all in terms of ballot box stuffing. If we included non-vote rigging lulz, we’d have an insurmountable list. For starters,  we’d have to include such favorites as submitting a fake report to CNN about Steve Jobs dying and making the Apple stock lose a shit load of money, Habo Hotel, trolling Tom Green, or holding Soulja Boy’s myspace account ransom for $2,500, etc. etc. 

Back on track, not only did 4chan get the win, they did in a way that was true to all the values of which 4chan holds dear.  Lies, deceit, stupidity, porn, and lastly, LULZ.

Time being new to the interwebs, forgot to properly protect their server and or even check that the Person of the Year votes were even coming from different ips. Upon hearing that they could steal candy from little kids, the ears’ of 4chan perked up. Thoughts of deliciously tasty unprotected voting servers spreading the cancer far and wide for all to see, and then die from, was too much for them to pass up.The crack team of computer science wizards quickly went to work.

Voting Servers and programs were set up. Then, remembering that the population of 4chan was full of morons, they immediately made automated programs that even they could run – my personal favorite being “Moothattan”. Seeing as how that if the dimwitted inhabits of 4chan could run these auto voting program, many thought, “Why not get other idiots to vote too?” The slightly less retarded 4chan members figured they could simply lie to the competition to get them to vote for moot. Thereafter, the mootists spread out to the forums of their rankings competitors and spoke tales of deep desires to help them, how they had hard drives they could show the FBI without being arrested, or how they would never lie to people to achieve their own selfish goals. Thus, the voting machine was put in place.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME FOR MY PERSONALITY!

 Time finally realized that maybe something was occurring when moot was winning by 300% of the vote. Time then began to strike back.  To counter the insurgency, they put in a 13 second timer that allowed ONE VOTE PER A NOMINEE within the time limit or else be ip banned. Time, however, didn’t just forget to cap the total percentage of votes but also allowed for negative votes. Therefore, during the 13 seconds, in addition to voting for moot, votes were made pushing others down, much in the way many of the mootists were growing up. Additionally, the 4chan members asked themselves, “Why should only moot have a spot on the list?” The wily crew decided to insert themselves into the rankings by using the aforementioned message when cycling through votes.

Time double dog dared 4chan, countering them by requiring a url+keyword when submitting a vote. Bearing in mind that each 4chan member individually has spent more time using computers then the combined staff of Time. 4chan made short work of the protection by getting the “salt” from a flash file on the Time’s server. Also it was later discovered that the way Time implemented its 13 second timer made it incapable of banning people using ipv6 stacks no matter how many votes were made within 13 seconds. Thus, the voting machines were back up.

HUZZAH!

However, right when triumph seemed as assured as 4chan’s residents having psychological disorders, Time decided to blow out the tires of the 4chanmobile just as it was cruising to victory. On April 17, Time put in a type-the-image human verification system. Although 4chan tried many different methods to crack the program. From straight up hacking it, to trying to type “penis” so many times that it would become a universal key. Sadly, those all failed.

“I told you mother fuckers to stop looking at porn until we won”

Without the auto voters and the deadline closing in on a week and a half. 4chan got out of the car and ran the rest of the way themselves by submitting the final 160k of votes manually. They did try to speed up the process a little by creating some programs to load 3 windows at a time whilst viewing porn. As the final day grew near, the fruits of the labor were at hand.

Lo and behold

WINar

So a shout out goes to the brotherhood of the chan for spreading the plague, disease, cancer, porn, CP knowledge of 4chan for all to see. 

Good show people.

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